John Cusack Rocket Punches Squish Mittens
Chris: Hey, Puddin' Pops, I changed my Xbox Live Name to "Chowboxer" if you were panicking over my absence on your list.
Me: I was! Thanks for telling me. You hiding from the Po-po?
Chris: Nope, just had "Captain Molov" for seven years and it was feeling kinda stale and lame.
Me: And you couldn't think of anything cooler? I would've made it "JohnCusack" if I were you. Own it, baby!
Chris: Lol. I almost made it "JohnnyC" just for you, no joke. I think "Chowboxer" is awesome. I LOVE TO EAT PUSSY!
Me: Pfft, Cusack eats plenty of pussy. I'm disappointed.
**A FEW HOURS LATER**
Me: Change your live username yet?
Chris: Hahaha, shut up. I'm keeping "Chowboxer."
Chris: I love it and you fucking had better love it too or I'm going to rocket punch your squish mitten.
Me: *Guards squish mitten* I HATE IT! TRY IT, JUST TRY IT!
Chris: WWWHHHOOOSSHHHH FALCOOOWNNN PAUUUUNCHHHH *Breaks your fingers into bone shards and wears your elbow deep like a fucking puppet*
Me: Yeah right *Rolls eyes* No one can rocket-punch like that, doucher.
Chris: Oh my God, Hayley. Do not make me fucking ring the school bell and tell you about the years I spent at the Mukazashi Rocket Punching Dojo.
Me: I just peed a little.
Me: I can't breathe.
Chris: Yeah you fucking did. YOU PEED AND YOU'RE HYPERVENTILATING WITH FEAR! MY KNUCKLES CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR, HAYLEY, AND IT SMELLS LIKE ROCKET FUEL!
Me: Haha, no. It's at the severe level of hilarious, delusional-stupidity.